It's Over

I think I knew it would end this way but held out hope.  I went back to the doctor on Monday and then played the waiting game all day until they called me back just to tell me that my levels had dropped and now I would be monitored until they dropped back to ZERO.  The good news is I will be getting poked less but the bad news is that I lost the baby!  Someone told me that grief comes in waves and boy were they ever right!  I can be fine one second and a blubbering mess the next!  I am, however, going to survive because I have to take care of my family!

Here is the deal for me:  I am amazed by how badly I wanted this SURPRISE baby!  No, we were not planning on a third child but when it happened we got excited!  I know I am old but come on, babies are gifts from God no matter the circumstance!  I mean if I had actually planned my kids, they would probably not be here!

The very worst part for me was explaining it all to the Diva who was more than excited to be a big sister!  Explaining that the baby is in heaven with Papa was tough!  She still talks about her little sister!  She was sure it was a girl!!  LOL!  I used the illustration of Waterbugs and Dragonflies to explain it to her!  I have had the book since the Moody Teen was about 5 and have used it to explain death to my children many times over the years!

On a happier note:  The Diva and I will travel to the Windy City to The American Girl store on Tuesday with a group from church (we rented a coach bus)!  She is so excited!  She will get a new baby, we will lunch and shop until our feet hurt!!  I cannot wait to take her up in a skyscraper because the other day she was at the doctor (on the 2nd floor) when she climbed up on the bench, looked out the window and declared, "Wow, I can see the whole world from here!"  I laughed so hard I thought I would pee myself!  LOL!

I am taking my camera in my beautiful new camera bag that I built my outfit around to capture all of our adventures!  The best part is that I don't have to drive so when the day is done and I am exhausted, I will be able to chill on the ride home!  Well friends, consider your self up to speed with life from the middle of a cornfield!

Update

I know the title is not original but right now all of my originality is used up and this really is just an update on where I have been and why!  My pregnancy took a turn on Sunday when I started spotting and has sent me on a roller coaster ride that is far from over.

Sunday, the doctor on call was not worried and told me to call the office on Monday morning so I did.  They got me right in and did a couple of ultra sounds and they could not find a baby or a sac or anything so they wanted to do a blood test to see what my HCG levels were doing!  When I got the results back that evening they were 290 and they scheduled me for Wednesday to have a second level done. 

Tuesday was tough with heavier bleeding (just like a monthly cycle) and cramping!  I thought for sure I was having your garden variety miscarriage!  Wednesday, I went in for another blood test and then waited for the results.  Keep in mind I have clients and obligations that are going on during all of this so I put on a happy face and went on!  When the doctor finally called me Wednesday evening, I was getting ready to photography 96 kids ranging in age from 0 to 4!  I was hoping to hear that the numbers had gone down but they went up to 309 which is not normal!   If the pregnancy was viable they should have at least doubled in that 48 hour period!

That brings me to today!  Something is not right and so I go to the doctor at 1:30 Central time to discuss a possible ectopic pregnancy which may require surgery!  My emotions are off the charts today!  I am scared and sad and in a general funk!  This is all amplified by the fact that the person who says he loves me is being less than supportive of me while I sort this out!  I feel so alone but I have to keep moving because my kids need me and someone has to be there for them!

Please just bear with me through all of this!  I will keep you posted as best as I can!