Saturday, May 8, 2010
Most of you know of the turmoil my marriage has been in and I thank you for your prayers! This week has been another tough one and it has brought me face to face with an issue that I have tried to repress for too long! Here goes!
All of my life I have felt invisible to everyone in my life even when I am standing right in front of them! Not invisible as in, I am a superhero who has the power to be invisible to save the world either! It started at a very early age when my half brother was born, as far as I can recall! I felt like he was always favored and I had to fight for love and attention from my parents! It continued into grade school when I would get passed over for birthday party invitations or on the play ground! In Junior High I got to really stretch my wings and found my vocal ability and singing became my life! Before long, theater and dance also came along in what seemed like a natural progression! I felt alive when I was preforming but them I would step out of the spotlight and I would be invisible all over again!
It was a vicious cycle that kept repeating itself and carried over into boys! I don't have to tell you what a dangerous combination this can be, do I? I dated a couple of guys through school and managed to keep myself together and then I hit 18 and I snapped!! Oh YES, I snapped in a big way and my wild child that I had buried came out to play! I still felt invisible most of the time but when a boy gave me that desired attention, it often ended with disastrous consequences to my self esteem that left me feeling even more invisible than before! This cycle continued until I met the Knight and we married! I thought I was home free in the invisibility department but I could not have been more wrong!
Life soon took over and I began to become invisible again! I just seemed to fade into the walls in every situation unless there was acting or singing involved! I was confident when I took on a character from a play! The more complex the character, the better for me to lose myself in that persona and forget about my invisibility for a while! Let me make something clear before I go on; I am NOT shy in the least! I do not have social anxiety and I put myself out there all the time just to be looked at by the other person as if they are looking through me not hearing a word I say!
So why are these issues just now coming up again? Well, because it still happens all the time and I was recently slapped in the face with it so that the emotion of invisibility can pouring out of the flood gates and there was nothing I could do to stop it!! It has to do with being ignored, by my husband, on a constant basis! If it is just the two of us, he is watching TV or has his nose buried in a magazine (it sucks to come second to a car, motorcycle or truck magazine)! If there are other people around, he will ignore me for the entire evening! The other night he told a girl she was the prettiest girl in the room while I was standing right there with them! See what I mean? INVISIBLE!
It has really got me to wondering what would happen if I just LEFT and never looked back? I am talking about disappearing, changing my name, faking my own death (to escape) not that I want to go that far but who would care? Who would notice? If I stopped showing up at church would they care? I sing on the Praise Team but is has become obvious that I am not needed because my talents are not being used to the full capacity! If I walked away from home, who would care? I would take the Diva with me, the Moody Teen is almost 18 and wants to be out of the house so bad he can taste it and my husband is in a downward spiral that he may never recover from so he wouldn't notice until he needed clean clothes or was hungry! Being invisible is the worst feeling in the world! There is really NOTHING to keep me where I am! My parents are gone and well I won't talk about anyone else but there is no other family that is actively involved in our lives so that is a non issue at this point!
I guess I poured all of that out to say: Do you really see me? Do you hear me? Do you even care?
Disclaimer: Please don't think I am going to do anything stupid because that is not the case! Someone made that stupid assumption once and I had NO contact with that person for a very long time! I am NOT suicidal! I am just pouring out my feelings as a form of therapy to clear my head and my heart and make some sense out of all the crap that has been happening lately! If I do pick up and leave, it will be because things cannot be salvaged in my marriage (not for my lack of trying for the past 18 years)! Right now I am pulling the load for both of us and if he doesn't get on board I will have no choice because he will have left me with no choice!
For my pallys who are prayer warriors, please pray for the Knight! My only prayer right now is "Get him God!" I know that is what needs to happen and if you would pray the same way, that would be awesome!