Saturday, May 8, 2010

Invisible

When I started this blog, it was for family to keep tabs of what we are up to and so they could watch the Diva as she grows!  However, this blog has also taken on a form of therapy for me and while I will not give all the gory details, I will be honest with my feelings!

Most of you know of the turmoil my marriage has been in and I thank you for your prayers!  This week has been another tough one and it has brought me face to face with an issue that I have tried to repress for too long!  Here goes!

All of my life I have felt invisible to everyone in my life even when I am standing right in front of them!  Not invisible as in, I am a superhero who has the power to be invisible to save the world either!  It started at a very early age when my half brother was born, as far as I can recall!  I felt like he was always favored and I had to fight for love and attention from my parents!  It continued into grade school when I would get passed over for birthday party invitations or on the play ground!  In Junior High I got to really stretch my wings and found my vocal ability and singing became my life!  Before long, theater and dance also came along in what seemed like a natural progression!  I felt alive when I was preforming but them I would step out of the spotlight and I would be invisible all over again! 

It was a vicious cycle that kept repeating itself and carried over into boys!  I don't have to tell you what a dangerous combination this can be, do I?  I dated a couple of guys through school and managed to keep myself together and then I hit 18 and I snapped!!  Oh YES, I snapped in a big way and my wild child that I had buried came out to play!  I still felt invisible most of the time but when a boy gave me that desired attention, it often ended with disastrous consequences to my self esteem that left me feeling even more invisible than before!  This cycle continued until I met the Knight and we married!  I thought I was home free in the invisibility department but I could not have been more wrong!

Life soon took over and I began to become invisible again!  I just seemed to fade into the walls in every situation unless there was acting or singing involved!  I was confident when I took on a character from a play!  The more complex the character, the better for me to lose myself in that persona and forget about my invisibility for a while!  Let me make something clear before I go on;  I am NOT shy in the least!  I do not have social anxiety and I put myself out there all the time just to be looked at by the other person as if they are looking through me not hearing a word I say!

So why are these issues just now coming up again?  Well, because it still happens all the time and I was recently slapped in the face with it so that the emotion of invisibility can pouring out of the flood gates and there was nothing I could do to stop it!!  It has to do with being ignored, by my husband, on a constant basis!  If it is just the two of us, he is watching TV or has his nose buried in a magazine (it sucks to come second to a car, motorcycle or truck magazine)!  If there are other people around, he will ignore me for the entire evening!  The other night he told a girl she was the prettiest girl in the room while I was standing right there with them!  See what I mean?  INVISIBLE!

It has really got me to wondering what would happen if I just LEFT and never looked back?  I am talking about disappearing, changing my name, faking my own death (to escape) not that I want to go that far but who would care?  Who would notice?  If I stopped showing up at church would they care?  I sing on the Praise Team but is has become obvious that I am not needed because my talents are not being used to the full capacity!  If I walked away from home, who would care?  I would take the Diva with me, the Moody Teen is almost 18 and wants to be out of the house so bad he can taste it and my husband is in a downward spiral that he may never recover from so he wouldn't notice until he needed clean clothes or was hungry!  Being invisible is the worst feeling in the world!  There is really NOTHING to keep me where I am!  My parents are gone and well I won't talk about anyone else but there is no other family that is actively involved in our lives so that is a non issue at this point!

I guess I poured all of that out to say:  Do you really see me?  Do you hear me?  Do you even care?

Disclaimer:  Please don't think I am going to do anything stupid because that is not the case!  Someone made that stupid assumption once and I had NO contact with that person for a very long time!  I am NOT suicidal!  I am just pouring out my feelings as a form of therapy to clear my head and my heart and make some sense out of all the crap that has been happening lately!   If I do pick up and leave, it will be because things cannot be salvaged in my marriage (not for my lack of trying for the past 18 years)!  Right now I am pulling the load for both of us and if he doesn't get on board I will have no choice because he will have left me with no choice!

For my pallys who are prayer warriors, please pray for the Knight!  My only prayer right now is "Get him God!"  I know that is what needs to happen and if you would pray the same way, that would be awesome!

7 comments:

Secondary Roads said...

From here I see you in 3-D. Full color, against a textured background. Know that you have friends who care and who pray for you.

I am Harriet said...

Jo-
First of all, as far as you go, the grass is always and was always greener. You were so worried about yourself that you didn't realize that everyone was worried about themselves and not you.
As far as knight goes, you need to do what's best for you and take care of yourself (without going into too many details in a blog comment). His issue may really be more about himself than you.

Diana - FreeStyleMama said...

Jo,

(((HUGS))) It takes a lot to share such personal stuff on your blog. It's good therapy isn't it?! I agree with both the above comments.

Hang in there!

Diana

blueviolet said...

Jo, please, be happy. Do what will make you happy in the long run. It's terribly hard. Believe me, I know. I will pray for you!!!!

Lin said...

It's hard to be a woman because our existence means taking care of everyone else around us first, and then finally, ourselves. I have struggled with that for a long time and although I love being a mom, I really hate being the bottom of the totem pole all the time. I joke that even the cats are higher on the pole than me.

I can deal with it most times, but if I am tired or sick, I crumble. When I had hernia surgery last year, I was up making dinner the next NIGHT while my mom sat on the couch with the cat. Yeah, I kept going because I HAD to. The family didn't step it up. Was I angry? Yep. Still am because things haven't changed.

You are not alone. Many women experience this when their kids are grown and they find their marriages have changed or are non-existent. Now you know why folks get divorced after 25 years of marriage. It takes WORK--many years of work and if you don't, you are left with a stranger.

Hang in there, my friend. With time and prayer, you will know what to do. God will whisper in your ear what is right for you and yes, YOU are what matters right now. You can't help your children if you can't help yourself.

I'm here for you, Jo. Give me a call some night or maybe take a ride up to see us some weekend. You are always welcome. :) And I always care.

Miss said...

Glad I stopped by for a read ... I will pray that either 'God gets him' or 'he gets God' ... know you are loved and thought about often.

Petula said...

Wow, Jo, I had no idea so much was going on. I kind of had a feeling when I read a couple of updates on FB, but I neglected to follow through. I think about you often and want you to know that I am here lurking in the background. If you ever need me you can email, call, leave me a comment and say PAY ATTENTION... What makes this so bad is that I know exactly what you mean. Thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts and trusting us with them.

I don't know all of the details, but what I think from this post is that - as you know - this could be a test or a trial. If it's His will then your prayers will be answered. Continue to pray, but try to focus on you. Resting, doing things you love, loving yourself, bettering yourself and all of that. Being the wife, mom and woman that God wants you to be despite of the surroundings. As you grow and change, the Knight will either catch on and get got by God or fade away.

I want for you whatever makes you happy. Feeling invisible and dealing with the actions that make you invisible is tough.

You are beautiful, respected, talented and gifted... You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Smooches, hugs & love.

 

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